NaBloPoMo - Day 14

I have to get better at posting during the daytime hours. Right now it is just before midnight and I should be in bed, but instead I'm posting to keep up with NaBloPoMo.

Let's see...now what to say?

Today I had pretty much a girls' day with my mom and my soon to be sister-in-law, Kelli. We went to a card making workshop and then we went to look for flowers for the wedding. You don't realize how long it takes to look at flowers until you start and are trying to look for flowers that don't look completely fake, but don't cost an arm and a leg. And it doesn't help when you have an idea of what you are looking for, but what you find in those areas doesn't really work out like it should. I, honestly, just like spending time with my mom and Kelli. Since I have gotten my new meds I enjoy being with everyone more and am more easy to be with.

Speaking of my meds...I still have about one break down a month, but we think it may have to do with hormones during that time. All I know is that overall I feel much better. I can do day to day things without feeling completely overwhelmed, I can deal with the girls better without feeling like I'm going to lose it, and I don't feel angry for no reason anymore. On Tuesday I will be seeing my med guy again and I do want to talk a little about my one break down a month.

I know that it is normal to have off days even when you are controlled. (which I have to add my med guy laughs about how I refer to them as off days because he keeps telling me that really my depression is just worse on those days, but I don't like saying it like that because...I may worry people more or...something like that.) But I want to bring up how I am down to having one "breakdown" a month now because I have to say that I get a little worried about myself during these times. During the past two months that I've been on my new meds I feel like the couple "breakdowns" that I've had have been deeper then I use to have. Meaning that, to put it bluntly, I become more deeply depressed and down on myself and it takes longer to dig back out.

When I first went to see my med guy one of his questions was if I heard voices. I told him that I didn't really hear voices, but I do feel like I have two parts of my brain. (stay with me now...) I have the logic part of my brain and that is the part that is there most of the time and is good to me. Then I have this other part that tells me things that aren't nice and when I'm having an off day can get very loud so that the logic part is barely there. It is this second part of my brain that scares me sometimes and that I wish I could just shut off. Med guy told me that that second part was the depression talking.

On Tuesday I plan on telling him that for the most part I'm doing wonderfully...I have energy, which I haven't in I have no idea how long, I also enjoy doing things and seeing people again. However, when I have a "breakdown" I feel like there is no bottom to the pit. I feel like I may never see sun again. I can't hear the logic part of my brain and the other part of my brain is so loud it hurts.

I know that understanding this, if you don't have to deal with depression personally, is extremely difficult. In sharing this, I'm hoping not to scare people...I do that enough to myself...but to try to put into words what depression can feel like. What I have and am experiencing.

There are people out there that don't believe in depression. They say 'just cheer up', 'when you wake up, just say you are going to have a good day', 'you need to eat better', or 'get over it'. It isn't that simple, I and others only wish it was. For me, it is like something in my brain is misfiring or a connection is done wrong. I wish I could just have a simple fix but there is none. Most everyone that is in my life is affected by my depression and I hate that. Noone should have to deal with it except for me.

However, that isn't the way it works. And because of that, I want to thank every single person that has to be part of this. Thank you for trying to understand, for being there, and for not letting me be alone. There are lots of people that have been here for the bad...and now that I'm getting to more of the good...I want to thank everyone that has had to endure the bad with me. I would like to mention the people that have been there the most though. My mom, dad, and my brother. These first three along with Andy got the brunt of my....for lack of a better word...bitchiness. I love the three of you so much. Also, Becky...you've been there for so much and you will never know how much I appreciate you. Lastly, but not least, Andy. He really is my soul mate. He is the only one that has seen me at my lowest and worst. He helps me out from it and still loves me completely. I don't think that I could ask for a more perfect match. He understands what I need and when. I love you, Andy.

Alright. This post went from light-hearted to very serious. Wow.

When I sat down I was just going to write a little about my day, but it just flowed from there. It just wanted to be said, I guess. And I think it is good for me to write it out. Put it out there and stop being worried about what others will think about it or being ashamed of it. Maybe by putting it out there I can help someone else understand more about themselves or someone they know with depression. You never know.

Now my eyes are burning so I'm heading to bed. Night.