To share or not to share....

No I haven't been buried alive by an avalanche of boxes. From time to time the maze through the empty boxes and piles gets to be a little overwhelming and I can honestly say that I am exhausted. But I'm not buried, so that is something.

Everyday I pack up boxes and move them out to the garage. And everyday the girls ask how much time is left until we move. We are down to twelve days and counting. I've been working on lists of all the places that I have to change our address with, who will be helping us, what is yet to do, and where it is my brain could have been lost at.

Speaking of brain...I have a serious topic to go to. I debated on whether or not to share this, but this is one place that I can be honest and if I can't share here...then why do I have this site? Right?

So here I go. **Deep Breath**

As you may or may not know, I suffer from Depression and Anxiety Disorder. I went through a good part of my life feeling like something was wrong with me. I couldn't tell you a time that I felt "normal". I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere and I wasn't happy. I had thoughts during that time, that now when I think back to them, scare me. I've now been on meds of some sort since high school and I'd say that since about 1999/2000 things have felt controlled. And by that I mean that I have felt 'normal', able to cope, and somewhat controlled. I still have a bad day now and then, but it no longer feels like the end of the world and I know that it is just one day out of my entire life.

Last summer, however, I found that my anxiety was getting worse and I felt that I was having more "off" days. I spoke with my doctor who looked into upping my meds. We were able to and I was informed at that time that if this increase in dosage didn't help, I would have to change medications because I was topped off at the highest dose they would allow on my current medication. I made the change and hoped for the best.

We're about a year later now and because I'm such a wonderful procrastinator, I've put off calling the doctor. My anxiety level is at what feels like an all time high, I can't sit still and am very twitchy. (And that is putting it mildly...my mom told me the other day that I was making her sea sick because of how much I was bouncing my legs.) I have melt downs several times a week and sleeping seems like a super place to be most of the day. I know that I need to go in and talk about switching my prescription, but here is what no one understands. Changing my meds scares the living shit out of me. What if I have to go off of my current meds first? What if what they put me on doesn't work? I don't want to go back to feeling how I was before I was ever on meds. Those thoughts that I used to have come back to the forefront of my mind and give me nightmares. How will I be able to operate on a daily basis? I have children to care for. I can't care for them properly if I can't take care for myself.

I have taken the first step though. I made the call today and scheduled an appointment to see my doctor to get the ball rolling. Fortunately, or unfortunately, there was a cancellation for tomorrow morning so I go in tomorrow. It is like it was meant to be.

I can honestly tell you that when you are dealing with Depression or Anxiety, getting on the correct meds is live changing. It is like turning on a light when you are living in the dark. All of a sudden there is color, and music, and life. You feel like you can breathe and deal with everyday situations that use to be too overwhelming. And that is why I decided to share this and hit the publish button. I'm not ashamed to have Depression and Anxiety, but it isn't something that I've really never shared. I'm hoping that soon I can report that I'm back to feeling 'normal' again. Or at least my usual normal.