KIDS
That word right there says so much and can be said in so many tones that it leaves a lot for interpretation.
When my girls were were little they were such little bundles of joy. I watched them sleep, held them while they slept just so that I could be close to them and smell their wonderful baby scent, I pondered how it is that they came from two tiny cells and somehow transformed into this little human...this baby that somehow I loved more then my life itself. I'd have given anything to keep my baby safe. Their first smiles, giggles, and all the ones that came after filled my heart until I thought it would burst.
When they became toddlers (each of them in their own time) I found myself saying "no" more then I ever thought a person could possibly say it in one day. I also found myself saying things that I never thought a person would say, never mind that it was it was me that was saying it. "Don't lick the window", "Stop sitting on your sister's face", "No banging your head on the wall" are just several of the phrases that passed through my lips. Why is it that my children liked licking smooth surfaces? I can't count the number of times I told them not to lick something. And then all the times I told them "no touching", moved them away from things, and then watched as they looked at me with defiance in their eyes and went back and did it again. I should have seen it as a sign, but they were my precious angels.
When they got to 4-K and Kindergarten (As Kalli is right now) I find myself looking at them wondering where the baby went. They are beginning to get a social life and the fact that Kalli knows our number by heart is a bad thing. She has given it out to friends that actually call her. She is getting calls and is talking to her friends like she is a teen. Only not as long (thankfully). This seems to be an age that kids become wonderful helpers...at least my kids. They want to help more and while helping it gives them that chance to ask a million questions. Now, mind you, Kalli hasn't stopped talking since the moment that she started. However now that she reading she wants to know why things say what they say. She gives me a full report of what went on in the classroom that day. Down to who got in trouble and for what. She watches Brady and Kaitlynn even when I'm right there and makes sure the cats stay out of trouble. She is my informer. You want to know anything?? She knows it. She listens to everything people say, but only responds or lets you know she is listening when it is to her benefit. At this age Cassie had her first little crush and for Kalli it is the same. Kalli has informed me who she is going to marry, but that she isn't going to start dating him until they are in High School.
Then we move onto Cassie's age....9. At nine, at least for Cassie, they really start to work on their teenage angst. Cassie is more sure of herself then last year or the year before, but at the same time she is more unsure. She is still Miss Social Butterfly at school but still stays out of trouble. However, her attitude has needed some adjusting and still needs more. She has started the one word answers to questions. She rolls her eyes at me from time to time...which by the way only makes me want to knock her head off her shoulders while every hair on the back of my neck stands on end. She is becoming a teen before my eyes, and in my opinion, at too young of an age. She has mood swings...going from laughing to crying and back again. Sometimes even laughing at nothing and not being able to stop. I find myself several times stepping back and waiting for her head to spin around Exorcist style. I love the girl, yet I'm not sure we are both going to make it through her teen years.
Cassie is testing her limits. She is trying things she doesn't normally do and seeing what happens. And due to things like this she has found herself grounded for the first time. For a week. From her DSI. Fortunately for me, she knows that she was at wrong and didn't argue or fight it at all.
Cassie is becoming increasingly more frustrated at things. Tonight it took us almost an hour to complete her homework. A one page, single sided, math worksheet. Mind you that math is her hardest subject, but tonight was ridiculous. There was crying and yelling and pulling out of hair...and that was just what I did. Ok...I didn't really cry, but I wanted to. I know that everyone learns differently and I'm really trying to find a way to teach Cassie things that works for her to make it click, but so far I'm failing terribly. The problems were simple multiplication (which she is having trouble memorizing) and the answers were right there in front of her, but she still wasn't getting it. I would coax her through it until she saw it and then we'd move onto the next question. And it was the same thing. It was like she had no short term memory whatsoever. I seriously put my head in my hands and laughed a little too hysterically.
Then at bedtime she started crying because she wanted to cuddle with me. She has become increasingly cuddly and needing of me lately. She just wants to be held and reminded that she is loved, important, and that she is safe. I know she has anxieties (she actually asked if we locked the doors the other night) but my heart almost is breaking because I'm not sure what is going on inside of that head. I hold her and at times she starts crying, not even knowing, herself, why she is crying.
For me, also, I watch other people's children. I find myself falling more and more in love with these little people that don't really truly belong to me. (though as I do become more attached and watch these little ones grow I like to think that a little piece of them is mine. I teach them, I love them, kiss and hug them as much as possible, and as needed...am a second mom for them.) I find myself willing to jump in front of a bus to save them. Watching them sleep and holding them longer then I should when they are sleeping just to smell their scent. I feel like I'm back at the beginning only I don't get to keep these little ones. The little ones will have me pulling at my hair as they grow as well. (as Kaitlynn already has me at sometimes....toddlers!) Kids.
And then it comes back to the mom...as everything always does. I love my kids with every molecule of my being. Yet they make my emotions go from pulling at my hair and wanting to run down the road screaming, all the way to crying silently because I don't know what to do to make them better. I have to say now that I don't think that I was informed of all this when I signed on to be a mom. It may have been in the fine print, but who really reads that anyway.
Tuesday
Kids
September 22, 2009
First off....This past Sunday, September 20th, was Andy's birthday. So....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY. I love you!
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My daughters have a new obsession. An obsession that, while it isn't unhealthy, is odd. At least for a 5 and 8 year old.
The girls are obsessed with musicals. Yes, you read that right....musicals. A while back they were staying at my parents and watched 'Cats'. From that moment on they were hooked. Every time they were at my parents they HAD to watch 'Cats'. Then, trying to change it up some, my mom introduced them to 'Joseph'. It worked...for Kalli. Cassie is still stuck on Cats. In fact she has bought the VHS (yes...those old things still work) tape home and watches it in the basement everyday after school and homework. She only emerges from the basement for dinner and bedtime. I can hear the same songs over and over, so I know that she is rewinding and rewatching her favorite parts. Throughout the day she will start humming the songs.
The other night I gave in to her and showed her some videos on youtube of 'Cats'. I even found the lyrics online so she could sing along. Funniest part was when it was a video from a different performance of 'Cats' and she would tell me that it was the right song, but the voices were wrong. Her favorite character, Rum Tum Tugger, reminds me of a 80's rockstar...and worries me about the kind of boys she will bring home when she is older. Check it out....
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Last Thursday we had a scare that I never want to have again. My brother, Tony, was in a motorcycle accident and was air-lifted to the hospital. Walking into the ER room he was in was one of the hardest things I've done. My brother and I have had our differences, but I love him to death and seeing him flat on a table, his neck in a brace, dried blood on his face from a bloody nose, and knowing what had happened is something I never want to do again. People that were caring for him kept saying how lucky he was and that he was doing very well for being in a motorcycle accident. Without going into too much detail...the officer that took his statement told us that Tony had all in all t-boned a box truck then skidded 120 feet on his bike before hitting a curb and being thrown into a field. The person that towed his bike said that the bike was with Tony about 20 feet in from the road and that he is surprised Tony is alive. And Tony, remembers it all...minus the time after hitting the curb at which time he lost consciousness briefly.
Tony, other then being extremely sore and having a chip broke off his shoulder bone, is alive. And I for one...am so ecstatic about this fact. It wasn't until I left the hospital, came home and told the girls, and then laid down for bed that I lost it. I cried in Andy's arms thinking about all the "what ifs". We could have lost him and that is a thought that I never want to have again. I don't know how it is that he is still here with the facts of what happened, but he is and for that I am extremely thankful.
Tony, thank you for letting me write about this because I think it is something that I needed to get out and share. Also...I love you.
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Tomorrow night....Update on my 'Mental Health' and my latest appointment.
Thursday
Gigi
For the past week we've had extended family in town. Andy's brother has been in town with his wife and son. We've been trying to spend time with them and bond some while they are here because today at 2:00 their plane leaves sending them back across the country to their home. It's been nice having them here, though the reason that they are here isn't so nice. As I mentioned very briefly last week, Andy's grandma (Gigi) passed away Monday, January 23.
I'd like to share a little background. We had been away from Andy's family for reasons that I am not going to go into because my gosh it would take days to explain all of that and seriously we've put it behind us. (besides, this isn't an episode of Donahue) In January 2008, I received an email from my sister in law, Trina, telling us that Gigi wasn't doing very well and that if we were willing to try to work things out they were willing as well. Long story short... Andy and I decided that as difficult as it would be, it was time to try again with his family.
And I have to say that I'm very glad that we did. Family isn't always easy, you have several personalities coming together...therefore it will never be easy. However, we were able to have a whole year with Gigi. A year, that if Trina would not have contacted us, we would have missed spending with her. It was a long winding year as Gigi's health wavered and there were several times that we didn't think she'd make it as long as she did. But Gigi was a feisty woman and was going to do things in her own time.
As hard as this process and the funeral has been for me and the fact that it was like reliving my own grandma's funeral (without being numb this time around) I'm glad that we were able to be there. I'm glad that Gigi was able to see the girls and see everyone back together. I will always remember Gigi as a strong feisty woman. The woman that one time told her daughters to 'Go to hell'.
Monday
February 23, 2009
Alright. So I've been told today that I'm slacking at the posts (hi mom) and that I should go back to posting everyday like I did for NaBloPoMo in November. Super idea, however...some days there is nothing to blog about. Sure I could give you the rundown of my day. It goes like this:
7 - wake up and get kids ready for school
8 - put kids on bus
clean/grocery shop/sit around and eat bon bons
11 - pick kalli up from school
eat lunch/lay with kalli until she falls asleep/start dinner/eat more bon bons
4 - cassie and andy get home
eat supper/help with homework/listen to kids play and fight/hide in closet to eat more bon bons
7 - get kids ready for reading and then bedtime
relax/play on computer some/watch tv/actually talk with my husband/think about eating bon bons
10 - go to bed so i can do the same thing the next day.
Now...on the days where the kids don't have anything inspirational to say, there is nothing to post about. It is the same ol same ol. You try finding a post worthy moment in there. :)
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Today, well I have plenty to post about but am too tired to post about it. Therefore I'll sum it up.
- Andy's grandmother (Gigi) passed away today at about 445.
- One of the women that I worked close with (when I worked full time) was hit by a garbage truck today on her walk into work. She is stable, but in intensive care. She will be having several surgeries in the upcoming days and had one today.
- Andy was told today that one of his co-workers has liver cancer and has 6months-2years to live. She has been ill for some time and fought cancer several times already.
December 22, 2008
I've been slacker when it comes to posting, I know. You'll have to forgive me as I'm trying to get everything done for Christmas, Cassie's birthday is on Wednesday (Christmas Eve), and I'm dealing with a never ending waterworks.
Last night I was up until midnight crying and this morning I was wishing that someone would just give me a shot of something that would dry up my eyes and make me sleep. I'm having a hard time dealing with my grandmother's death this Christmas. Last year I was so numb during Christmas that I just went through the motions. This year, though, hurts. I've been dealing with some headaches from the crying and my shunt just ached this morning when I woke. I've been trying to hold back the seemingly endless trickle of tears. Unfortunately, if I hold them back from trickling, sooner or later the damn brakes and I sob.
The other day, out of the blue, Kalli said, "I miss great-grandma." I answered, "Me too honey. Me too." And I do. I miss my grandma something awful this year. And honestly I HATE this.
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In hopes to end this on a happier note. This past weekend the girls decorated cookies I made and also decorated a gingerbread house. Tons 'o Fun!
Kalli's side of the gingerbread house (Note: I decorated the front :)
Cassie's side of the house.
The girls decorated cookies.
Sunday
Grandma's Eulogy
LaVerne Mary Schott – Eulogy
December 1, 2007
I am LaVerne’s third grandchild, Paula. I wanted to give the eulogy today for my grandma as a way to show my respect and honor her. However, I wasn’t sure what to say. I was told to talk from my heart and that is what I’m going to do.
LaVerne Mary Schott wore a numerous number of titles. She was a wife, a mother of 5, a grandma to 6, a great grandma to 2, and a friend to numerous. To some this may not have been a lot, but to grandma… I believe that this was perfect. She loved her family and devoted her life to them. I grew up with her always being around. In fact, during my grade school years she practically lived with us caring for my brother and I while my parents worked. During this time, I actually found it odd that my friends didn’t have a grandma living in their homes.
Grandma babysat for all of her grandchildren at some point. Sometimes, most of us at the same time. I’m sure that we all have several memories of growing up being so close to her. Here are a few of my memories
I remember lying with her at night before bed going through family members full names, asking her questions about when my mom was little, and just cuddling. I remember the piles of books that she would read to my brother, the way she never noticed when Kim and I would sneak pots and pans from the cupboards to play drums with, and how patient she was with us.
One of my strongest memories is a phrase that Grandma used to say to me. “Hate is a very strong word.” When I was growing up saying that I hated someone or something came easily. Every time I did though, grandma would say “Hate is a very strong word.” I didn’t think that much of it at the time, but I’ve noticed that as an adult I don’t say the word hate very often. Grandma’s words have embedded themselves in my head.
I can honestly say now though that I hate how much this hurts and I hate watching my family hurt.
I’m proud to have been able to have spent as much time as I did with my grandma.
Grandma, I know that you are out of pain now. I love you and miss you terribly. Thank you for everything.
Saturday
December 1, 2007
Today is the first of December. This means that there is only 23 days until Cassie's 7th birthday. And then Christmas.
Today was my Grandma's funeral. It was a lovely ceremony and I delivered the eulogy I wrote up ALMOST tearlessly. Is tearlessly I word? It is now.
I did good up until the end when I turned what I was saying to Grandma. I'll post later what exactly I said.
Now we're relaxing until a little later when it will be time for me to go to my work Christmas party. After which I'm going to go out and hopefully forget about this week a little bit.
