Warning: This blog entry is going to be on the serious side

Warning: This blog entry is going to be on the serious side

I am warning you because there is some things that I just need to say. Things that have been weighing heavily on my mind lately and things that I've been trying to keep to myself and not "air", however...this is suppose to be a place that I can share. Therefore, you've been warned.

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About 8 weeks or so ago we found out that my Grandma has cancer. In the past week she has gone downhill at a rapid rate. The cancer is growing, she is barely eating, and sleeping more each day. I know the inevitable is going to happen and part of me wants it to hurry up. This sounds horrible, but I don't like watching her deteriorate like this. I feel as if she is suffering. She doesn't seem like the person she was. I'm not sure if it is because she is just giving up or what exactly is going on inside her. The family is stressed/sad/confused/exhausted. It's hard for everyone involved. And it is hard to watch.

While growing up, I saw my Grandma a lot. There was a large period of time that she lived with us during the week, caring for my brother and I (and sometimes cousins) during the day while my parents were working. I was able to spend a lot of time with her. I have tons of memories of things during this time. I'm going to share a few with you.

1. She would threaten to "potch our butts" when we were misbehaving, yet never did.
2. Laying in her bed with her at night going through everyone in the families full names. I loved doing this with her. First, Middle, and Last names for aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
3. Kim and I hiding pots and pans under our shirts to use in our "band". We thought that she didn't know, but how could she have not!! Yet, she never said anything.
4. My biggest memory... The word "hate". As I was growing up, anytime I'd use the word hate (whether it be towards someone or something) she would say, "Hate is a very strong word."

At the time, in my teenage-ish angst, I would just roll my eyes and say...'yeah, that is why I said it'. Yet to this day, I hardly ever say it. I'll say that I don't care for something or don't like this/that, hardly ever "hate". Somehow, Grandma embedded her words in my brain and it stuck.

Today, however, I want to let you know that I HATE cancer. It scared me once with my Mom, caused my Grandpa several surgeries, and now it's taking my Grandma. I hate what it is doing to my family members. I hate watching everyone hurt. And mostly, I hate watching my Grandma go downhill, not knowing what is next. For this reason, I will not capitalize the word cancer, as some would. (the big C) It doesn't deserve it.

I am proud to know what a strong word HATE is, and to be able to use it properly. Thank you, Grandma.

(Picture taken August 22, 2007)